WHAT EXCHANGE STUDENTS DON'T TELL YOU.
When you are finally back home after a year abroad people start asking you all kinds of questions because they are curious to know what you experienced, and stuff like that. Truth is, once you are home, you tend to remember only the good things because those are worth to carry with you in life. You are not going to tell your friend, for example, that on October 27th you had a breakdown because at school you didn't have many friends. By the end of the year, you were most likely surrounded by people who love you and you will completely forget what you felt like at the beginning. Or, at least, this is what happened to me, but people need to know that it is not all smooth as we make it sound.
Even if you don't want to, you will feel homesick.
This varies from person to person. I honestly wasn't sad to leave Italy, I always wanted to visit and live in the USA so I just focused on that fact and promised myself to enjoy it. I know other students who, instead, struggled because of many factors: bad host families, lack of friends at school, it was hard to follow classes in a different language, etc.
My point is that it can and will happen, even if you want to go on exchange so badly that before you do it you think "I'm strong enough not to struggle". It can be skyping with your whole family on your birthday and see that everyone is hanging out except you because you are on the other side of the world, or it can be when during the Christmas holidays your family sends you pictures of the traditional foods and games they play...
Not everything is ok.
Everyone is jealous of your exchange life when they take a look at your Instagram stories, but they don't know that you need a ride everywhere to be able to hang out or even buy groceries. They don't know that sometimes you need a hug and no one gives it to you. They have no clue what it feels like when you are unable to express yourself the way you would like to.
When you go on exchange you take the whole package: all the cool stuff but also all the things you have to learn how to deal with at age 16. That said, it is all doable, no worries.
(Read also How To Deal With Homesickness)
(Read also How To Deal With Homesickness)
Exchange Students may be treated like things.
Saying "Hey guys, this is Fred (I'm just making this up). An exchange student from Italy who lives in my house." is definitely time-consuming, so instead, this is how people introduce you 99% of the time: "Hey guys this is MY exchange student from Italy." So yes, it sounds like you are someone's pet and the only thing that people know is your country of origin, so they call you "Italy" because it's too hard for them to learn your name, which doesn't make sense because for you it is 10 times harder to remember everyone's name. They only have to learn yours and you have to remember the name of every student in the school because you cannot shout "America!" when you want to speak to someone, can you?
We are being teased.
One of the first things that we are made fun of is our accent. We might speak broken English, but we know more than one language and had enough courage to show up in our host country despite the level of language we had, ready to improve and get better. We don't need your "Your accent is so weird!" we would rather have you correct us so that we can learn from our mistakes. We also know that we gained some weight throughout the year, we don't need to hear it from you.
Update: This is not how everyone feels and is not my personal experience either. I gathered comments and stories from different exchange students because it is important that teens understand what they are putting themselves into before they actually fly abroad. I have seen many people escaping their responsibilities and flying back home, and I think that one of the reasons why this happens is that they were not prepared. Former exchange students bragged about how good their experience was and completely ignored the fact that sharing the bad stuff gives new students the chance to avoid making the same mistakes. And again, I loved my experience as a foreign exchange student, with all the good and the bad.
- Cris
We are being teased.
One of the first things that we are made fun of is our accent. We might speak broken English, but we know more than one language and had enough courage to show up in our host country despite the level of language we had, ready to improve and get better. We don't need your "Your accent is so weird!" we would rather have you correct us so that we can learn from our mistakes. We also know that we gained some weight throughout the year, we don't need to hear it from you.
Update: This is not how everyone feels and is not my personal experience either. I gathered comments and stories from different exchange students because it is important that teens understand what they are putting themselves into before they actually fly abroad. I have seen many people escaping their responsibilities and flying back home, and I think that one of the reasons why this happens is that they were not prepared. Former exchange students bragged about how good their experience was and completely ignored the fact that sharing the bad stuff gives new students the chance to avoid making the same mistakes. And again, I loved my experience as a foreign exchange student, with all the good and the bad.
- Cris
As a host mother to 16 exchange students from 11 countries... I agree with most of what you've said. I would ask you to encourage future students to seek out their own year, and not try to have the year others have.
ReplyDeleteIt's really unusual for a host family to treat a student like an object, and honestly what you describe there is the exception, not the rule. I'm sorry you felt this was the case with your family...
You can always have a hug at our house. 😊
We host because we love you. We aren't dicks. We are human, just like you. We make mistakes and misunderstand and are confused and hope that you will forgive us for letting you down or hurting you.It's a complicated conversation, but worth having.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the host families are dicks when it comes to those comments, those usually come from classmates. And no, I absolutely LOVE my American family, and what I wrote is NOT the rule. It is a gathering of different experiences that a lot of exchange students had, not my personal experience. I thought I had to share this because almost all of my other blog posts are positive and it would be a lie to tell everyone that it is very easy, every experience is different and students must know the good and bad of everything. :)
DeleteI also had my exchange by my 16's, and I believe when she talks about the object part she's talking about how the other teens treat us. Your host family are (or at least should be) the best people you'll have there. They'll teach you cool stuff and also learn with you. The obstacles in my case were the younger, whom were not really easy to talk sometimes. And yes, they'll make fun of you at school but it's because you had the guts to leave your country and do this marvelous craziness. They wanted to be you, but the other languages are damn hard for them. So I can tell, you can stand the hard parts. Cause this exchanges time goes like The Flash.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, and yes most of the times the obstacles are teenagers not host families. And again, this is not only my personal experience, this is just what sometimes exchange students go through and the future students need to know that it is all beautiful and worth going, but there could be obstacles.
DeleteI completely agree with you. I was an exchange student to Japan many years ago and my daughter is now one in Czechia (Czech Republic..she said most people hate the new name 😉). We both had some horrible families and experiences and amazing families and experiences. If you haven't been an exchange student, honestly, you just wouldn't understand what Cristian is saying. I'm not sure Lauren why you are taking this so personally. Many times even without realizing it host parents treat the exchange student like a show pony. See how good her language is getting she is from Italy or Brazil or wherever. You should have seen her face when she ate this or saw that. Many times even if our speaking language isn't so great our understanding is. Homesickness is real and hits at weird times. My daughter said it has been great being able to talk with me while she has been abroad as I understand what she is going through. Being an exchange student is amazing and wonderful and changes you in ways you never expect.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tamera for this comment, it is beautiful that your daughter had you during hard times, because you fully understood what she was going through! :)
DeleteWhat you just wrote is true! I am currently having my exchange year in Norway and I feel like everything is so relatable. It's actually nice to see that someone actually wrote something (on the negatives) side about being an exchange student. And anyway, the don't be a dick advice is most likely for 'our' friends back home, to stop commenting that we gained weight, etc.
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm glad that you understood what I wrote :)
DeleteWow I totally agree with this entire post! I also studied in the USA at the age of 16 so I relate so hard haha. Especially when you come back home and they ask how 'that year' was. I mean guys, it's a whole year. I just answer 'Hard.' and watch them look shocked.
ReplyDeleteFor some people it is just too hard to believe that being away from home can be challenging. Once one of my classmates back in Italy said "I'd love to do what you did, not having parents around so I can do whatever I like, how can you say that it is hard?" I just stared at him, blinked, breathed in, and just said "you don't understand". My experience was the best ever, but when you are homesick you just are and no one can fully understand you, unless they live the same situation. :)
DeleteThank you for sharing your insight Cris. Going on an exchange program takes courage and a sense of adventure. You cannot know what you are getting into, especially at age 16.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's experience is unique and special. When people ask "how was your year" they often want to hear about a detail that was special to you. They are seeking insight into something they may never experience for themselves.
It is also quite an adventure hosting an exchange student. Just like the students, host families have mostly positive memories along with some fun stories to share with people who ask, "How was it hosting a student for the year?" and "Why did you host a student for the year?"
Thank you for this comment Daniel. That's so true! My american family has now hosted over 20 exchange students and they always have funny stories to tell about each one. They love hosting and everything it brings to them.
DeleteMy husband and I have hosted 9 wondering young adults.
ReplyDeleteEach experience is so different with ups and downs.
I also volunteer and see what is said. There are negative points to all things we do. In part that is what helps us grow.
Hugs are always available in our home. It saddens me to hear you needed a hug and did not get one.
Exchange students, in my opinion, have a inner strength that they may not even realize. The strength to go abroad knowing the household rules may be different, and your support network will be far away.
Thank you for the posting it gives many things to think about.
Thank you for reading! Actually, whenever I needed a hug my American parents were there for me. They are the kindest people I've ever met. But unfortunately other exchange students go through toughest times and I wanted to put the spotlight also on the down sides of being abroad. Luckily enough the good moments are quite often many compared to the bad times, so it is all doable. Definitely worth going on exchange.
DeleteIf one cannot handle being teased for having an accent maybe one should not be an exchange student. If a person is unable to adapt and handle a situation like that they were likely just not ready to be a part of an exchange. That doesn't necessarily say anything bad about the person - not being an exchange student is fine. It would just be ridiculous if the student thought that the world needed to conform to him/her and treat him/her with kid gloves as to not hurt their precious feelings. Other than that there were some interesting points raised(although i hope people were already aware that not everything is ok). Have a great day! -coming from an exchange student
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but it seems like you missed the whole point of this post. I just wanted to bring some light on the "bad" of being an exchange student. I was lucky and had a beautiful time abroad, and I don't care what people think of me, of my accent or whatever, whether they are from my hometown or anywhere else. But there are some students who go through a lot of shit and having to deal with dicks at school and bad situations at "home" as well gets too much sometimes. You really need to learn how to deal with everything that happens to you on your own. And you don't know whether you are strong enough to digest everything or not until you go and put yourself out there. So I don't think that your "don't go on exchange if you can't handle being teased" attitude is correct, but of course this is just my opinion. Have a great day :)
DeleteI think life is about expectations and misunderstandings and disappointments are about the expectations not being meet. If we get our expectations right then the rest flows
ReplyDeleteI partially agree with you Jennifer, but sometimes it doesn't depend only on us. Everyone plays a role. :)
DeleteI didn't went on an exchange yet but a exchange student lives at our house at the moment. First we (me and my family) were all a bit shy. Now he's like like a brother to me. Sometimes when he pronounces something wrong, we correct him and laugh about it but it's not meant to hurt him. They also laugh at me when I talk nosense again ;) So... it's not always you who's made fun about.
ReplyDeleteWhat really bothers me is that people ask me questions like "what's his name?", "where's he from?" or "can he even speak that language?" instead of asking himself.
But not everyone acts like that. Actually they're mostly shy or just haven't talked to someone who isn't a native speaker. A lot of people were really impressed how much my host brother improved and made lots of positive comments on that!
It is good that your family corrects him and also laughs with him, exchange students should learn how to laugh at themselves. Sometimes I also said something in a funny way and they would laugh, I'd laugh along. There is nothing wrong, but it all depends on who says it and the circumstances. I'm glad to hear that you are hosting someone and that your host brother is improving!
DeleteAlso, it is perfectly normal that you were all a bit shy at the beginning, it is an experience also for the host family to have a stranger in the house! :)
Hey guys. I've been doing some research on the exchange programmes avaliable to me and I've stumbled upon this text and realised that I have never thought about negative sides of student exchange. I've loved travelling since I've been little so this would be a terrific opportunity to meet new people and learn about other cultures. But now I'm starting to think that this might not be for me. I mean I'm a rather shy and introverted person so I don't know if I'd fit in with the other kids in school (although I believe there would be a number of people from my city taking part in the exchange as well). Also, despite being quite independent, I'm worried that the homesickness I would feel would be too much. I would be more than happy if any of you who have had this or similar experience helped me decide whether I should apply for exchange or not. :)
ReplyDeleteMarija, this isn't meant to scare you away. My advice is DO IT. If you felt you could do it and started researching about it, it means that you want to go. Yes, it isn't all good, but it is life. We all go through hard times even in our own country. I'd suggest you to go anyways because it could actually help you become less introvert. I am also a shy person but at the end of my exchange I had quite a few friends at school and a lot of exchange students (who became like brothers to me). You will fulfil your dream of travelling, while learning about different cultures, rules, habits and languages.
DeleteJust wanted to let you know that I have applied for an exchange programme and in a few months I'm going to USA! I hope I will enjoy my stay there. :)
DeleteAn old man writing the s- arvin beeb an exchange student in MI, USA 1977/78 at the age of 16717. No Skype - no (e-)mail - no FB - no cell phone. I do understand the challenges you face(d) totally - but they are challenges. This period of life is demanding - whether you are an exchange abroad - or at home. Being outside your comfort zone is - demanding. More challenges. Looking back I found out many years ago that it made me strong(er).
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and impressions. My two older boys were exchange students as well. My daughter is at the end of her year in the US. Your sharing helped me a lot thinking of her from your perspective. THANK YOU!
Thank you Ulvi for your comment! This might actually help some exchange students feel less homesick. Now we all have skype and facebook but you didn't and you survived homesickness! What I wrote on this post isn't actually my own experience but I just wanted to give a voice to what the bad things of exchange could be.
DeleteI believe these situations and feelings are true for everyone no matter where they are in life. As a student almost everyone has been "made fun of" or "teased" a bit hopefully mostly harmlessly and innocently. I also believe that in any given year every person has up moments and down moments whether they are traveling the world or staying home. This is natural human emotions. Every exchange student and host family is going to have different experiences. My husband and I have hosted 5 exchange students and will welcome another in August and each year and student is different. In any adventure in life you must embrace the good, brush off the bad (and learn from it) and then decide whether it was worth it. All experiences help you grow as an individual. As I understand the perspective that is being written about and I'm absolutely sure it is true It hurts my soul a little for others to read about negative experiences as an exchange student. I only hope that others will use it to help them as they move forward with their exchange year and not discourage any from taking the opportunity of a life time that so many of us wish to give students.
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn! I didn't write this post to discourage exchange students to go abroad. My experience was amazing, and every other post on this blog can prove how happy I am of my choice, but I felt like I needed to tell future exchangers that not everything is perfect. After all, life is not perfect even at home. A few times I read posts on social media of disappointed students and I don't want this to happen again. If they know what they will (perhaps) go through before hand, it will help them to process everything easily, maybe.
DeleteI absolutely advice you to take the risk! Maybe this is the best opportunity for you to get a bit more outgoing, and an exchange makes you grow and teaches you so many things, you'll now new people all around the world, you'll have a new language, they will be sad days of course, but it'd be like days even if you take this risk of the exchange or not, I can assure you, so I hope I really hope you go on exchange. wherever you go, you'll know people that after a year you won't want to let go anymore.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Maria. Thanks
DeleteWoow, Cristian! Thank you for sharing your and others experiences. :)
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning of August I'm going to U.S. Of course I am really excited but at the same time scared. And I know it is something that I have to go through. You just remind that there will be good and bad days but it isn't nothing to worry about. This is the way how to grow and deal with problems. That's the part of being an exchange student.
Looks can be deceiving. Nothing in this world is perfect, even the life abroad. So once again, thanks! These kind of blogs really helps before going to U.S. :)
Paula
Thank you Paula for reading and appreciating the fact that I highlighted not only the good parts but also the bad ones. Everything is worth going through and makes us better persons, so don't worry too much and enjoy your experience! I wish you luck!
DeleteSO TRUE!!!! I hated to hear: That's Nadja MY exchange student! Oh come oon😂
ReplyDeleteI got used to it because my host brother constantly did it hahah
DeleteHii, I've been given the opportunity of studying abroad for a year in usa and I am also 16 but there are two choices the whole year or one month on Italy, I don't know which one would be better for me and also there's a part of me that really wants to go to the whole year thing and experience lots of new things and the other part that is scared of not having friends or to not beig as happy as I am here and I know every experience is different but I am also scared of racism being a thing in usa because I am from Mexico... If anyone have been through something similar you would be very helpful :)
ReplyDeleteLuckily for you, I am Italian but unfortunately I can't speak for the whole country. I was on exchange in the USA and there my best friend is Mexican. I am not racist and I love Italy, but if I were you I would go on exchange for one year. You have your whole life to go to Italy for a month. Which options do you have for a long term exchange?
DeleteWe hosted a 15 year old German girl for just under two months (out of a ten month placement) before she left to go back home. It was a situation where a private placement with family friends fell through and the agency scrambled to find her an alternate place. She was always very reluctant to talk to us, and often broke the rules by calling home once a week or more. She stayed in her room more often than not, then complained that she couldn't make friends at school, even though there were several girls who tried to include her in things. We tried to include her in our family's activities and traditions, but she didn't show much interest in that either. Most often we felt less like a host family and more like innkeepers and chauffeurs. We were sad when we heard she had talked to her parents and they decided to pull her from the exchange. But we weren't really surprised... even our 10 year old commented that she just seemed sad all the time. We're hoping to try again, but we're hesitant.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to hear that. There are lots of things to consider then it comes to exchange, foreign students and host families. It is a pity that students sometimes don't make an effort, just like sometimes host families don't. See what I wrote about homesickness. http://crisgoesabroad.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/homesickness.html - Cris
DeleteCris, we're hosting right now and I can relate to what you are saying here. I also did a three-month exchange in 1990. Your post really gave me some perspective on what our student is going through at school. A lot of similarities. Very important to remember if someone is speaking with an accent or has broken English, you should admire them, because it means they know a second language-do you?
ReplyDeleteI hope that your hosting experience is going well! There are always two sides of the story. I believe effort has to come both from the student and the family to make everything work, so I hope everything goes well :)
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